Notes on Real Life.
In today’s edited, filtered, and enhanced reality, authenticity has become a challenge. Surrounded by noise, it’s easy to forget who we are. Our task is to filter the constant input, creating space to know ourselves— space for grounding, healing, reflecting, growing, and exploring.
I’m learning about myself, working to effectively express my insides on the outside (sometime successfully, other times not so much). Sharing publicly feels awkward and uncomfortable for a natural introvert, yet it might just be the perfect next step. I’ve hid away for awhile, nurturing my little life, but am finally here, ready to befriend my outside voice.
I’m finding that the world needs more Vulnerability. More Sensitivity + honesty. More thinkers, seekers + feelers. More healers. more Community.
So, here goes. I’ll share a little story about where I’ve been this past handful of years in an exercise of openness, and to create space for you to do the same. We can learn to embrace vulnerability as a tool to understand ourselves deeper and connect meaningfully with others. It’s a personal journey, but we can walk it together.
On the eve of my third baby’s birthing day, my 42 week pregnant self ran errands to tie up loose ends before opening a new chapter (maximizing, or procrastinating at it’s finest?). One notable accomplishment was picking up a flash drive carrying images from a photoshoot I’d orchestrated with my talented friends— Shayna’s a photographer and Jen is a stylist— both amazing. I had plans to start a blog sharing yoga and its healing gifts, thinking bigger in terms of impact and outreach. I’d taught locally for years, built a beautiful community, and was excited to dream up the next steps.
What’s silly about us humans, is that even while attempting non-attachment to future expectations, our sneaky brains often latch onto things without our consent. The truth is, we simply cannot predict what’s waiting for us as we round the next corner.
I picked up the photos and gave birth the next day to a dreamboat of a human. There was magic sprinkled over the experience of my pregnancies (especially this one), gifting me deeper intuition and rootedness than I’d ever felt in my life— I was strong, capable, tuned in. Everything was perfect, until it wasn’t. A month into newborn-land, our family started down a long and difficult journey that shook our reality. My arms held a newborn, a heartachingly unwell toddler, a dangerously ill partner, and a young daughter needing reassurance and engagement. I was managing home, family, a new job, and myself on an empty, empty cup. I soon became stretched thinner than I’d ever been, was beyond sleep deprived, emotionally unbalanced, and yet pushed onward— as we all somehow seem to.
Despite a background in wellness, mindfulness, and yoga that helped so many of my students, slowly, I started to fall apart a bit on the inside. My empath self, unable to deflect, absorbed too much, and then felt strangely guilty for struggling. My mothering self felt the need to give, give, give, because the needs of those around me were immense, while I was receiving less, less, and less.*To be clear, we’re fortunate to have incredibly loving and supportive families, but no amount of familial goodness could have prevented the physical, mental, and emotional depletion that occurred.
While we eventually emerged from this quake, mending the damage little by little, there have been others. The time since has held its own unpredictable load titled: adulthood (mirroring the heavy loads everyone seems to be quietly carrying)— traumatic health events, loss/grief, relationship challenges, parenting, mothering, schooling from home, a pandemic (and all that has encompassed), stewarding an old home, etc..
This is not to say there hasn’t been immense beauty, love, and joyful moments found in every single day! I am so grateful for all of it. But, who else is tired to their bones? It’s exhausting to manage the overwhelm and decision fatigue that has come to embody modern life. We all know hanging out in this mild but constant version of societal fight or flight breeds health consequences, taking time, energy, and focus to rebalance. So I’ve pulled inward, hid a little, gotten quiet, and worked to rebuild without expending so much. I’ve nurtured some inner spaciousness by reclaiming self-care in support of my healing + wellbeing.
It’s been an up and down process, but isn’t that always the way? The strategies I’ve used for wholeness have furthered my emotional intelligence and personal awareness, helped rebuild stronger relationships, and allowed me to learn new forms of creative expression. I try to be in tune with my energy and its nuanced ebbs and flows, existing within the larger context of nature’s cycles. I attempt healthy boundaries and to prioritize rest when empty. It doesn’t always work this way (I still get stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, down, all of it— more often than I’d like), but simply recognizing the difficulty and knowing how to support myself through it, makes a world of difference in holistic feelings of happiness, contentment, gratitude, joy + connection.
I think it’s a little bit about being tethered— to yourself, your knowing, and the simple beauty that defines our experience.
Those photos I picked up the day before my last baby was born? They’ve sat quietly waiting for me to come back to myself, to be inspired, to be solid enough to once again support others in their healing and stability. I now understand that I don’t need to be perfect to help uphold my community, to serve those who might benefit from my knowledge or experience.
When I choose to show up, I can do so imperfectly, fluctuating energetically, sometimes emotionally at capacity, but always in truth.
So here I am. My vision has changed. I’ve changed. I aim to share what I’ve learned along the way because it holds so. much. value. How, in my own little microcosm (which is immensely privileged and impossibly cushy compared to the majority of the world), have I survived my own versions of overwhelm while traversing adulthood and motherhood? Let’s talk. Over the years I’ve slowly built a tool-kit of the simplest, most impactful daily strategies from yoga, meditation, mindfulness, and other areas, to support my mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing.
I’m walking the path right alongside you, learning what it means to be human, and honoring every stage of the journey.
If you’re this far in, let’s be vulnerable together. Share with me what you’re struggling with right now, what you’ve struggled with this past 1/2 decade, how you’re feeling, how you’ve been broken, how you’ve coped and survived, how you’re healing, what you need help with, and how my skillset might support you. Whatever you’re going through is valid. The effects of ongoing stress, anxiety, and burn-out are very real. Your health is worthy of time + energy.
let’s hold each other up in community, Empowered by the Simple acts of being. Let’s get back into our bodies, quietly listening, learning, and trusting. Let’s use Awareness and intuition to care gently for all parts of ourselves.
It’s wild. The baby is no longer a baby, yet it feels like he was in my belly just yesterday. All that has passed between then and now, the beauty and the trauma, feels a thousand miles away, and yet right at my heels. Changes. I have zero idea what’s waiting for us, but feel a little better equipped (maybe?) for the unknown than I have in awhile.